When I think about the last decade-plus of pastoring a church, one thing that is still hard to navigate is the pull between my work as a pastor and my calling as a husband, which Ephesians 5 says is “to love my wife as Christ loved the church.” It’s easy to become consumed by the conversations I had throughout the day, the list of things I didn’t get done, and the struggle to simply shut my brain off. And if I’m not careful, I can sacrifice the care my wife needs on the altar of pastoral ministry.
This means I have to be intentional about making sure my wife and family aren’t simply receiving whatever is left. My marriage—and your marriage, whether you are a pastor or not—isn’t something to maintain after everything else is finished. I would argue that marriage is one of the primary places where the gospel we preach is tangibly lived out.
Which is why Paul goes to such lengths in Ephesians 5 to show us that a healthy, gospel-centered marriage is meant to reflect the love of Christ for His bride, the church. As pastors, we have to be proactive and aware of our tendency to allow ministry to take precedence over the care of our wives. So if we’re going to pastor well, we have to learn how to invest well in our marriages.
Ministry Will Take Whatever You Give It
I often get asked what my workday looks like, usually followed by the joke that I only work one day a week. The honest answer is that pastoral ministry is a lot of the same weekly rhythms mixed with a whole lot of random ministry activities at a variety of different times. One unique challenge of pastoral ministry is that you’re never really “off.” Sure, I have days off, but even those can include a hospital visit, an emergency counseling need, or someone needing to get into the building.
Pastoral ministry is never really finished. There is always another sermon to write, another conversation to have, another crisis that could happen, or another person who needs help. And if you don’t establish healthy rhythms and boundaries, you can easily become a pastor who is faithful to the church but distracted and emotionally unavailable at home. Your wife shouldn’t consistently get the leftovers of who you are or feel like you’ll have more time for her when things at church finally slow down. The problem is, they probably won’t.
Something my wife Haley and I say often is:
“We make time for what we plan for, and we plan for what we value.”
This doesn’t mean ministry isn’t valuable. It means our marriages have to be valuable enough to receive intentional time, attention, and energy. If we aren’t careful, we can spend so much time investing in the marriages of the people we pastor that we fail to invest in our own.
Your Marriage Is One of the Main Places You Proclaim the Gospel
Paul writes in Ephesians 5:25:
“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”
What I love about this passage is that Paul doesn’t simply tell husbands to “be good husbands.” He points us to Jesus. He gives us a picture of sacrificial, self-giving love and tells husbands to love their wives in that same way. As pastors, we preach the good news every week. But one important place the gospel should become visible is in how we love, serve, pursue, and care for our wives.
Our churches don’t need pastors who simply talk about gospel-centered marriages. They need to see what one looks like. Not a perfect marriage that looks like it has everything figured out. But a marriage marked by repentance, forgiveness, sacrifice, grace, friendship, and the flourishing of a wife who knows she is loved by her husband.
That’s why I believe every marriage is worth investing in. And that includes yours. The long-term health of your marriage will often be shaped by small, consistent investments:
- Listening to her.
- Encouraging her.
- Pursuing her.
- Serving her.
The goal isn’t to create another list of things you have to accomplish as a pastor, but to become the kind of husband who continually asks, “How can I love my wife like Christ loves His church?”
Your Wife Is Not Just Another Church Member
Pastors spend our days listening to people, asking questions, giving counsel, solving problems, and trying to help people take their next step with Jesus. The danger is that we can bring that same posture home. Suddenly, our wife tells us about something difficult she’s experiencing, and our instinct is to diagnose it, fix it, or give her three biblical principles for dealing with it.
But first and foremost, our wife needs us to be her husband. Sometimes what she needs more than a deeply spiritual conversation is for you to sit on the couch with her and laugh about something that happened that day. That means we have to learn how to turn off our “pastor brain” when we walk through the front door and start to listen, ask questions, and just be interested in her. Your wife shouldn’t feel like she has to compete with the church for your attention. She also shouldn’t feel like every conversation with you has to become a counseling session.
Invest Now So You Don’t Have to Be Rescued Later
Far too many couples begin intentionally investing in their marriages only after something is already broken. As pastors, we see this all the time as we call people to fight sin proactively rather than simply responding after the damage has already been done. We encourage accountability, community, confession, healthy habits, and intentional discipleship. The same principle applies to marriage. Healthy marriages aren’t primarily built through crisis intervention. They’re built through consistent investments over time. That’s why marriage check-ins matter.
My wife and I need regular opportunities to stop and ask:
- How are we doing?
- What are we carrying?
- Where are we struggling?
- What do we need to change?
- How can we pray for one another?
- What can we do to protect our marriage?
We have to make time to plan, pray, and communicate about healthy rhythms that protect our relationship. Because if we don’t intentionally invest in our marriage, something else will eventually demand the investment. So, to close, here are five simple investments that can help create long-term health in your marriage:
Pursue Her. Date your wife. Keep pursuing her even after you’re married.
Listen to Her. Ask questions and listen to understand, not simply to figure out how to fix the problem.
Serve Her. Look for ways to make her life easier without waiting to be asked.
Enjoy Life with Her. Have fun together. Your marriage should contain more than conversations about ministry, schedules, kids, and problems.
Pray With Her. Bring your marriage before Jesus together. Don’t just pray for your church. Pray for one another.
Love Her Like Christ Loves His Church
At the end of the day, the same gospel we preach to our churches is the gospel we’re called to live in our homes. We love our wives out of an overflow of Christ’s love for us.
Pastor, your church needs your preaching. They need your leadership and shepherding. But your wife needs you too. Don’t give her what’s left after ministry. Rather, invest in her because she is worth investing in. So this week, ask your wife one simple question: “What is one way I could love you better this week?” And then go do it.
If you are a church member reading this, pray for your pastor’s marriage. Help them prioritize date nights – buy them a gift card to a nice restaurant or offer to babysit.
Want to talk more about investing in your marriage? Connect with Haley and me on Instagram at The Invested Marriage.
